Totally Random
by BrDPirateMan
Summary: A collection of stories and mini-articles about the various characters being in stupid situations... and more. How does Neku get away from Shiki when she tries to take off his pants to mend them? What is the secret to Joshua's laser beam powers? Want to hear what these characters would say for pickup lines? And where does Chuck Norris fit into this?


**Totally Random  
**by BrDPirateMan

_COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY DISCLAIMER:_

This is a compilation of extremely short and unconnected "what if" situations that could happen within the universe of _The World Ends With You_ (outside of it too, probably). They are very silly parodies that are not meant to be taken seriously. Some are also set in an alternate universe; you should be able to tell which stories fall into said category. There are one or two instances where popular culture is spoofed for comedic effect, so if you don't get it, try looking it up with a search engine.

Should you, the reader, feel that this story does not meet your standards, please lower your standards. The author is also not responsible for any mishaps that may happen from the reader's brain snapping.

Enjoy. If you don't, face erasure.

XOXOXOXOXO

"Yodai Higashizawa."

"Yes, Mr Kitaniji?"

The Conductor tapped on the bundle of papers before him. "According to your latest report, nearly half of the week has already gone, but many Players still remain. I would like to see some progress… I want at least 80% of them wiped out by tomorrow. You can't have too many Players on the last day; that'd be chaos."

Mr Higashizawa nodded solemnly. "Agreed. Many a broth has been spoiled by the presence of too many cooks. Perhaps I have been far too easy on them. Fret not, I shall see to it that the Players receive a demise most fitting for their tasteless existence."

"You have yet to let me down, Higashizawa. Show me the results of your tactical prowess."

"It will be my pleasure. The pudding of their doom is at hand! I already have an idea simmering around in my head. With this, they wouldn't stand a chance…"

The Conductor chuckled softly – always a good sign. "I look forward to seeing how many Players get squeezed out of the competition."

The next day at the area around 104 Building, a quartet of Players stood listlessly amongst the crowds. These four young souls had banded together in hopes of increasing their chances of survival during the harsh week. The Reapers' Game was not something to be trifled with; a single mistake could cost one their very right to exist, and the forces behind it were neither patient nor lenient.

A good two hours had gone by since the start of their new day, but they had yet to receive any missions. It almost looked as though they wouldn't be getting any. This got everyone's hopes up, especially Beat's. "Yo man, the way things are like, we might just get a free day. I'm diggin' it!"

His sister Rhyme remained cautious. "Let's not be hasty… It might still be too soon to celebrate."

"Eh, but it's been ages. Those Reapers don't usually keep us waitin' this long. Right, Shiki?"

Just then, the cell phones of all four of them rang. In the UnderGround, there's only one real reason your phone would do that.

"Mission's here," mumbled Neku.

Shiki let out a sigh. "Just when we thought we were going to catch a break! Oh well."

Disappointment crossed everyone's faces. The four of them had been through a lot, and were really hoping that, even if it was for one day, they could all get a chance to rest. But the Reapers' Game never stops, and Reapers never sleep. The show must go on.

The mission that just chimed in went as follows, and boy were they in for a rude shock.

_To all Players,_

_Today's mission is about survival of the fittest. As such, it will test to see if you pass a number of criteria. Fail one and you fail the mission._

_You automatically pass if:_

_1. You know how to cook at least one simple dish._

_2. You have fully memorized the lyrics of The Prince's hit song "Fabulous Journey"._

_3. You can fully grasp the workings of the Le Chatelier Principle of Equilibrium._

_4. You know how to correctly pronounce "je ne sais quoi"._

_5. You don't have a secret stash of porno mags hidden somewhere in your room._

_6. You can make milk squirt out of your nose._

_7. Your chest size is at least D-cup or bigger (applies to females only, obviously)._

_8. Your hair is in its natural colour, not dyed._

_9. You haven't felt the slightest bit angry, confused, lost, sad, hopeless, disappointed, happy, determined, bored, envious, or lustful during the past three days._

_10. You haven't spoken any words that have vowels in them._

_11. No cars pass by for the rest of the day._

_There is no time limit. Fail and face erasure._

_By the way… good luck. You'll need it._

_The Reapers_

Neku and his newfound allies were aghast. Their faces dropped like melted butter. It was a mission that was impossible to overcome. Each of them failed at least two or more of the aforementioned criteria, if not everything. They didn't really need to think too much about what they failed at, however.

Because as if that wasn't enough salt in the wound, a sedan zipped past the four unfortunate Players.

That evening…

"Impressive," said the Conductor. He had what seemed like his usual monotone, but Higashizawa was sharp enough to notice the very slight difference in his superior's voice that suggested he was happier than usual. "You've exceeded my expectations. The survival rate for today is zero and no Players remain. That leaves everyone free for the rest of the week. Phenomenal work, Higashizawa."

"You praise me too much, sir."

"I'm curious, though. What kind of mission did you give to the Players, exactly?"

The ghost of a sneer played on Higashizawa's lips. "Just like how chefs have their recipes, I too have my ways and my means…"

XOXOXOXOXO

"Neku… that button on your shorts is kinda loose."

"So what?" Neku said with a shrug. "It doesn't matter – "

"It does!" Shiki was seething. "I can't stand things like that! You have no idea how much they irk me. They – ugh! Neku, you really have to take better care of your clothes!"

He never liked her to begin with, but he usually showed some degree of restraint, though it wasn't much and it was still all too easy for him to snap at her. Now he was seriously getting annoyed. "Look, I don't care. It's just a tiny little button. Stop being like this and get over it already."

She hated how he could be so uncooperative, and now that her paper-thin patience had finally worn away, she set her metaphorical foot down and decided that it was time to take action. It was time to get down and dirty.

"Off," she hissed.

"Huh?"

"Your pants. Take them off! I'll fix the button."

Shiki had taken the cake with her outlandish words. "Are you high? ! There's no way I'm taking them off in front of you – "

"What, are you going commando? ! And besides, we're invisible. No one's watch– "

"Uh… wait."

"What now? !"

Neku's face turned red. "This will seem like a big shock to you, but I actually don't have any underwear on."

Shiki glared at him, incredulous. For ten whole seconds her eyes just stared so straight at him she could burn a hole in his forehead with her eyesight alone. And then… "What! Are you kidding me? !"

He shook his head to reaffirm the truth.

She immediately cringed and started hitting him every which way and that with all four of her limbs, and it hurt for Neku. "Oh god! You! You pervert! I can't believe you're like this! For the love of – why? ! Rrgh, I hope the Noise get to you! Stupid little – "

"Whoa, hey! S-Stop it! Heel!"

He tried to defend against her attacks, but it was difficult to block her entire onslaught and ate a few good punches. In the chaos, she tried to land a kick on him, but her boot got snagged on his trouser pocket somehow. She also lost her balance a little and had to plant her foot back on the ground, but in doing so, she inadvertently yanked his trousers down his legs. She saw what was happening and he saw it too, clear as day. A scream prepared itself in her throat, ready to be let out. Neku could only watch the whole thing unfold before his eyes, powerless to help himself.

His trousers were pulled right down to the ankles. Both teenagers' eyes were locked onto the one area of his body where they should not be looking.

To Shiki's surprise, she didn't wind up looking at something potentially gross and unpleasant. Well, boxers still aren't a pretty sight to see, but at least her eyes were spared the horror and her modesty was still intact. But that also meant one thing…

"Neku," she said with a frightening voice, "you really were wearing underwear. So… you lied to me."

_Damn, busted._

"Time to get acquainted with my deluxe sewing kit," she growled, making even Neku feel genuinely scared. Why, her hair almost looked like writhing snakes! "You had to gall to lie to me when we should trust each other. That's no good now, is it? You better get ready because that loose button isn't the only thing I'm going to fix. Oh nooo… I'm not letting you off that easily."

"Uh… Stalker? H-Hey, what're you – oh no. Please NO!"

The gory details of the events that happened afterwards are best left out…

XOXOXOXOXO

Now, we all know that Chuck Norris is invincible and capable of the most incredible of feats. He repels all forms of attack, accomplishes the impossible in record time, and brushes his teeth with steel wool. If you're a fan of his, you'll know the sorts of things only he can do. But what if he was involved in the Reapers' Game? What, then, would he be able to do that no other Player can? (Oh, and before anyone asks, Chuck Norris doesn't die and go to the UG. He just changes up his vibe.)

So here it is, folks: proof positive that…

**THE WORLD ENDS WITH CHUCK NORRIS**

1. Chuck Norris can play the Reapers' Game without a partner.

2. Chuck Norris finishes missions before they even show up on his phone.

3. When Chuck Norris goes _window_-shopping, the shopkeeper friendship meter instantly skyrockets to 100%.

4. Chuck Norris beat the Composer in 7 seconds. Three times. Shame on you, Joshua.

5. Players digest food by fighting. Chuck Norris digests food without even having to eat it in the first place.

6. Chuck Norris is immune to imprinting. If you try it on him, he can sense it and will roundhouse kick you into oblivion.

7. Chuck Norris has the ability to imprint roundhouse kicks.

8. In Player form, Chuck Norris can answer Reaper Creeper questions in complete sentences.

9. When Chuck Norris erases you and you wind up in the erasure plane, he's there… waiting.

XOXOXOXOXO

All alone in the park, against the backdrop of the sunset, were two lonely souls. One, a slightly awkward businessman with youth but not a lot of work experience. The other, a teenage schoolgirl who was even more awkward than he was.

The two of them were here on the girl's insistence. Her name was Ai and she had mustered every ounce of her courage to set up a meeting with the man, who was her friend – a clueless guy by the name of Makoto. Yet as much of a newbie at life as he may be, the girl was hopelessly in love with him and wanted nothing more than to be his girlfriend. And so that was why they were here. After ages of liking him from the shadows, she could take it no longer. She simply had to confess her love to him.

"M-Makoto," she began, "f-for the longest time, I've… I've always admired you. Even though you're not really perfect, I've come to see you as someone dependable. You really are a great person."

As he had never been confessed to in his life, Makoto reacted simply by scratching the back of his neck bashfully. "Oh, um… really? Gee… uh, thanks?"

With butterflies in her stomach and emotion running thick in her eyes, she said the magic words, "The truth is, I love you, Makoto! I, um, wouldn't expect an answer right now, but if you don't mind… will you go out with me?"

"Whoa, uh… if you're so honest and sincere about it…" More sheepish fiddling with the hair on his neck for him. "And, well, you've cared about my welfare and… you're cute on top of all that! So, um… y-yeah! I don't mind!"

Ai's face lit up with the slow realization that he might just reciprocate her feelings. "You mean… you'll…?"

"S-Sure! Say, let's go out! If you're cool with it?"

"Makoto, you big dummy… Of course I am!"

The two shared a big hug, happy as can be. Today would mark the beginning of a series of exciting new days for them both, and they were more than ready to face them with open arms.

At long last Ai's longtime crush had reached a fruitful conclusion. "I love you, Makoto," she mumbled into his shirt.

"Yeah," he replied smoothly. "I love you too, Mina."

Her wide-eyed look told him that somewhere along the line, he had said something wrong. But it was too late; she was already trembling with growing disappointment. "M-Makoto… I'm not Mina…"

The idiot businessman broke out in a cold sweat. "Geh! Um, whoops! I was just joking, Shiori!"

Ai glared at him with a teary look that stung of betrayal and her frame was literally shaking.

Now Makoto was taking stabs in the dark. "Um, Kaoru? No… Chihiro?"

She creamed him in the face with the nearest wastepaper basket.

XOXOXOXOXO

Some (disturbing) pick-up lines we'd like to hear…

If I could add you and me, I'd get the solution to my self-made 18-tier Soduku problem, with zetta hints to spare! – Sho Minamimoto

Hee hee. Shut up and date me already, dear. – Yoshiya Kiryu

(Tries to sound cool) Whatever. You don't interest me. – Neku Sakuraba

I see a loose button on your shorts! I can fix it up for you, but you'll owe me a date. *wink* – Shiki Misaki

Baby, you are the curry to my rice! – Daisukenojo Bito

You smell like miso. I simply love miso! It's a versatile spice that can be added to practically any dish, and the flavour just permeates throughout your mouth cavity. While not as wonderfully pungent as wasabi, it's still undeniable that it is a stupendous thing, this miso. You remind me of the time when I made my first miso-flavoured beef pie, and, oh… Did I mention I love miso? – Yodai Higashizawa

… … … (Stares at target with devilishly narrowed eyes for the next excruciatingly long three minutes) – Mitsuki Konishi

Pick-up lines? Who needs 'em! I've got girls pouncing on me left and right! – Eiji Oji

Your ramen or mine? – Ken Doi

Hey, bro – uh, babe! Up for a friendly Tin Pin match? Just a beginner? It's cool! I'll give you a handicap and I'll even throw in my favourite ultra-super-mega rare limited edition Dark Kaiser pin to start you off nice and good! How about it? Although I gotta be clear… I'm just lending that pin to you for the match. _Lending._ So don't go swiping it; it's still mine, y'hear? Oh, and don't, like, break it or drop it or get scratches on it or even look at it too long, okay? JUST BE REAL CAREFUL WITH IT! ! ! – Shuto "Shooter" Dan

XOXOXOXOXO

Neku and Joshua were trapped and exhausted from having to fight through a whole battalion of Noise, some of them being the extremely tough Taboo versions. They were stuck in the Station Underpass with their only escape route blocked off by a gigantic Taboo Rhino. Its great horn gleamed with death, and its body bristled with the urge to gore them to bits.

"Dammit," groaned Neku. "Is… Is this the end? ! We're already at our limit!"

"This is going to be a tough one," observed Joshua. "Ah well, I hate spoiling surprises, but I guess this is an emergency we cannot ignore."

"Wh-What do you have in mind?"

"This."

To Neku's surprise, Joshua rose into the air and hovered in place. The orange-haired boy's first thought was, _What the heck? !_ His second was, _Josh is… levitating? !_ Just what was going on? Nothing made any sense. Was he hallucinating; were these the last few precious seconds before his impending erasure?

But no, it was no dream. Joshua really was aloft. But what happened next was truly surprising.

He took one deep breath and expelled it in a loud yell, "This hand of mine glows with an awesome power! Its burning grip tells me to defeat you!"

Swirls of energy began to gather around his fingertips. In seconds they formed into a pulsating ball of light bright enough to bathe the dark Underpass in white. Neku had no idea of what was happening, but whatever it was, it was downright bizarre.

"Um, J-Josh?"

Joshua didn't listen. Instead he continued, staring down the Taboo Rhino, "Take this! My love, my anger, and all of my sorrow!

"SHINING FINGERRRRRRR! ! !"

A massive blast shot out of his hand, tearing into the offending creature like a laser beam. It was so powerful that the surroundings themselves were starting to warp and twist. But it dissipated as quickly as it had appeared, and the Rhino was no more. In its place was a few lingering threads of static.

As Joshua landed back on solid ground, the bewildered Neku had a hard time understanding everything. He did manage to ask, "How in the world are you able to do that, Josh? !"

His partner's only answer was to look over his shoulder with a sly smile, "I watch anime."

"Huh? !"

XOXOXOXOXO

777 leads a double life in both the UG and RG. In the world of the living, he is 777, indie rock star and charismatic leader of his band Def March. In the world of the dead, he is 777, a Reaper who seeks to test the survivability of Players.

If, however, he had a _third_ hidden profession…

If he was a super spy – yes, a super spy – on top of being a Reaper and singer…

And – for the heck of it – if he had a movie filmed in his honour, then it might be called…

**777: TOMORROW NEVER DIES (BUT IT NEVER COMES, EITHER)**

_The name's Seven… Triple Seven._

Starring

_777  
_as  
The Reaper who juggles several jobs to keep from starving

_Megumi Kitaniji  
_as  
777's boss who doles out secret missions and can never button his shirt properly

_Mitsuki Konishi  
_as  
The cold, calculating secretary who serves no real purpose other than providing sex appeal

_Eiji Oji  
_as  
The antagonist who threatens 777's sales and is the major cause of fainting fangirl incidents

777 IS THE MAN WHO WILL ROCK YOUR WORLD AND SAVE IT TOO

Coming to a theater near you

April 1

XOXOXOXOXO

The final battle was over, but there was no clear winner. The Conductor was gone, erased by his own fate. And Neku was left to try and wrap his head around why his former partner Joshua was still standing before him when he should have been erased too.

"I suppose I should tell you," chuckled Joshua. "The truth is… I'm Shibuya's Composer."

Neku gasped. "What? !"

"Yes, all of this was part of my plan. The gears of fate were set into motion the moment you entered the Reapers' Game. By my hand, you were guided on a path to do my bidding as my proxy. You did a bang-up job, by the way. Thanks for that, hee hee."

"You're the Composer? You, Joshua?"

"Are you shocked stiff? Bet this revelation must have been too much for you."

"Damn right I'm shocked! But…" Neku had a very slight, almost invisible sneer. "…as surprised as I am, I too have a revelation for you. You'd best listen."

Joshua hesitated for a few seconds, caught off guard by the other boy's sudden and unexpected surge of confidence. _What's going on in his head?_ But no, what right had he to be intimidated by a _mere_ Player? He was the Composer. Practically a god with limitless power. Riffraff Players like Neku couldn't even hope to touch him.

"Then don't dilly-dally, dear Partner," he mocked. "Or should I say, ex-Partner. What, pray tell, do you wish to say?" It was all he could do not to burst out loud laughing.

"Joshua," said Neku, "I am your father."

The blood ran cold in the Composer's veins. "Wh-What?"

"And not only that…" Neku wrapped his arm around a certain girl's shoulder. "Shiki here is your _mother_, so that would make us your _parents._"

"Oh, honey," giggled Shiki, snuggling closer. "Now you've gotten me all embarrassed in front of our son."

Joshua's legs went weak and he fell to his knees. He wanted to form the words, but his vocal cords refused to function. His head felt like it was trapped in mist that suffocated and dulled his senses. But he still had to say something to this… After all, it couldn't possibly be the truth, could it? !

His voice came out all weak and warbled. "No… That's impossible…"

Shiki intervened. "I'm sorry, Joshua. But it's the truth. We're your parents. Now, I think you've had enough fun playing God, so hurry on and go to bed."

The way Neku was chortling almost sounded like how a father would laugh at his child for being still gleefully immature and lacking in understanding of the world around him. It was an insult to Joshua, the worst of its kind. But what he said next took the cake.

"Listen to your mother, Josh. Oh, and don't call me Neku anymore. Call me… Dad."

Joshua was all stutters and unintelligible sounds. He did, however, manage to yell one word very clearly:

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! ! !"

XOXOXOXOXO

That's it, everyone. Hope you enjoyed this little smorgasbord of nonsense. Seriously, it's so insane, Sho would be proud.


End file.
